My New Toy (Part 1)

Every child looks forward to Christmas morning. The night before was the worst, I would only sleep for 5 or 6 hours and then get up and stare at the tree until mom and dad got up. My brothers and I would always be up before mom and dad. We would race out to the living room and examine our stockings, and if I was the first out there I stole some candy from my brothers’ stockings. We would get out our legos, which they still buy us to this day, and put them together. We would play fight against each other with our new legos. Soon we would become bored with the legos and get out our toys from the Christmas parties with our grandparents and other relatives.

When we were bored of those toys we would gradually get louder. We would try to make noses to get the dog to wake up, hoping this noise would also wake mom and dad up. When those noises would not work when went to the fail safe plan, breakfast in bed. I would cook the eggs, Dan, my younger brother, would make the toast, and Mike, the older brother, would do everything else. Then we would go in and wake them up with breakfast in bed. Finally they were awake and we could now read the Christmas story out of the bible and then get on to the event every child loves, the opening of presents.

Growing up, my brothers and I were all about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and The Transformers. Each Christmas we hoped we would get a new Transformer or Ninja Turtle. One Christmas I got both and still had a large box under the tree. I pulled the large box out. I looked the box over as a waited from my brothers to get their next present out from under the tree. I was thinking could this be the Transformer base, the Ninja Turtle van, or the Unicron Transformer from the Transformer movie. Who cares just open the thing. Mom and dad paid special attention to me opening the present and I found a plain brown box under the wrapping paper. Whatever it is not the cover that matters only what’s inside. I opened the box and started tossing paper out of the box, finally I found the present in the bottom of the box. Oh yeah, new underwear, gee thanks.

It is so easy to buy into the lie that God is like the unexcitable present of underwear. It is easy to buy into the lie that God is no more than a toy, to be enjoyed when you feel like it. Both of these thoughts are lies and misconceptions of the truth. God is like the ultimate present that you can always enjoy.

When I started college I started to get angry with God. My friends of my childhood had gone away for college and before that chose a lifestyle I did not want to follow. My older brother was wrapped up in ending a bad relationship, and my little brother was still a pain. The only people I could count on to talk with during this time was mom and dad, and what college age kid wants to spend all their time talking and hanging with their parents.

God was starting to feel like an old toy to me. Sure in high school He was cool, but now not so much. Plus it did not help that I felt that there was no place for me at church anymore. After all I wasn’t a youth and the singles were all much older, so where am I supposed to go?

God also started feeling like an unexcitable present of underwear. Church seemed boring and dry to me. Bible studies started feeling like old news. Everything started to depress me, I guess because I felt unwanted myself, with the loss of all my friends. Occasionally thoughts of suicide would cross my mind. Life seemed meaningless and boring, so I seriously thought about following through on those thoughts of suicide. No one, until now, knew I had those thoughts, and they might have come to be if it were not for one person. I never attempted suicide, because I could not get the thought of my mother’s reaction to my death, if it happened, out of my head. I knew my selfish act would cause her a lot of pain and sadness. Someone else was sad at this time to, but I did not know it.

For two years I felt like God was an old toy and unexcitable pair of underwear. Throughout this time I kept questions rolling around in my mind, if God loves me then why am I all alone right now? If God is so great then why is everything about Him unexciting to me? If God is so great then why doesn’t He do something to change this life I am in? Huh God, why?

The answer was so obvious; I was embarrassed I did not notice it sooner. I was alone during that time, because God was preparing me for friends that were on the way. (I go more into detail on this in July 18, 2006.) God was unexciting, because I did not enjoy Him. (Look for July 19, 2006 journal for more on this answer.) God was doing something exciting in my life; I just did not take the time to notice it. (Look for July 20, 2006 journal for more on this answer.) God was not the one that was acting like the old toy and unexciting present of underwear, I was.